Despair

This is based on my life experience. The story is from 2022, when I was once an excellent student of my school—a star athlete, a top-ranking student, an inspiration to my peers and

my parents couldn’t stop bragging about their prodigious son. My life seemed perfect, as I excelled in academics and sports with effortless grace.

Durning that time, I also had a loving relationship with a classmate of mine. That relationship also seem perfect as the relationship was pure and full of promise. We shared dreams of a future

together, even though circumstances forced us into a long-distance relationship when she moved

away for school (Kolkata) to (U.P.).

At first, I tried to maintain the spark in our relationship. We texted every day, had long video calls, and sent each other letters. She often spoke about her new life, the friends she was making, and her

academic challenges and achievement. While I was happy for her, I stated to felt an unspoken pressure to match her energy and achievements. But as the months passed, things began to change

and my own life was beginning to spiral out of control.

During the lasts month of my 12 class, I began to experiencing an inexplicable slump. My grades dropped from A’s to C’s, even failed in few subject, and my performance on the field also deteriorated.

I lost my position as captain of the basketball team, a role I had worked tirelessly to earn. Each failure added another brick to the wall of self-doubt I was building around myself. My once-clear goals of getting into a medical college felt more like distant fantasies than attainable dreams.

The long-distance relationship, once my source of motivation, now became a source of anxiety. Whenever she didn’t respond quickly to my texts, or when she often mentioned her new friends at

her new school. My mind became a storm of insecurity: I always spiral into overthinking: What if she’s found someone better? Am I even good enough for her anymore? Did I say something wrong? Is she losing interest? Is there someone better than me in her life? These thoughts starting consumed me, making it harder to focus on anything else. As my insecurities grew, I began comparing myself to others constantly. Every time I heard about her accomplishments like how she attains good grade in each subject, I felt a pang of jealousy and self-loathing. Why can’t I keep up? Why am I not good enough? I would think, tormenting myself with every perceived failure.

One night, after failing an important exam, I locked myself in my small, cluttered room. The walls felt like they were closing in as my mind raced with doubts. I sat on the floor in dark room, tears streaming down my face, clutching my knees tightly. “What have I done wrong? How did I become like this?” I

whispered myself into the silence. For hours, I sat there, crying and replaying every mistake I thought I had made. The once-vivid memories of my achievements and my bond with her now felt like distant dreams. I cried uncontrollably, asking himself why I couldn’t turn my life around. I thought about reaching out to her or to my parents but stopped myself, convinced they wouldn’t understand me, or where I’m coming from.

Days turned into weeks, and I withdrew further. I started to loss interest in attending practice and skipped school and classes. My parents, once proud of their prodigious son, grew concerned, but every time they tried to approach me, I couldn’t bring myself to explain what was wrong—I didn’t even fully understand it myself. All I knew was that I felt worthless. The idea of being a failure—academically, athletically, and emotionally—paralyzed me.

The love I once cherished now felt like a cruel mirror, reflecting my insecurities. I started to questioned her feelings constantly: Does she love me, or is she just too kind to tell me the truth? These doubts became an endless loop in my mind, leaving me sleepless most nights.

My days became monotonous—waking up, trying my best to shake that feeling of worthlessness, crying, and going back to sleep. My world shrank to the four walls of my room where I spend most of

my time, which now felt like a cage. i stopped responding to messages entirely, cutting myself off from everyone, including her.

The ambitions that once fueled me were now ashes, replaced by an overwhelming sense of despair and self-worthlessness. One night, I always sat in the darkness, I always whispered to myself “What did I do to deserve this?”, “How did I become this?”. The pain was unbearable, and the silence deafening. For me, the weight of my failures and insecurities became too heavy to carry.

Some stories don’t have happy endings, and not every fall is followed by a rise. Sometimes, the pain becomes too heavy to carry. But this story is not end yet.